The 36 questions to fall in love: the full list and what the study really found

Aron’s team wanted a reliable way to create closeness between two strangers in a lab, so that it could be studied. Students were paired up and given three envelopes of questions. Each partner answered every question in turn, with about fifteen minutes per set. A comparison group spent the same time on small-talk prompts such as a favourite holiday or a recent film.

The pairs who worked through the escalating questions reported feeling significantly closer afterwards. The key was not any single question but the structure: sustained, mutual, gradually deeper self-disclosure. Both people take risks at the same pace, and neither is left exposed.

Two honest caveats. The study measured closeness, not romantic love, and it did not set out to make anyone fall in love. And the four minutes of silent eye contact made famous by the 2015 essay was part of a different exercise; it is a nice ending, but it is not one of the 36 questions.

1. If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, who would it be?
2. Would you like to be famous? For what?
3. Before you make a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you will say? Why?
4. What would a perfect day look like for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? And to someone else?
6. If you could live to 90 and keep either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years, which would you choose?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner seem to have in common.
9. What are you most grateful for in your life?
10. If you could change one thing about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner the story of your life in as much detail as you can.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or ability, what would it be?

1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life or your future, what would you want to know?
2. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life so far?
4. What do you value most in a friendship?
5. What is your most treasured memory?
6. What is your most painful memory?
7. If you knew you would die suddenly in one year, would you change anything about the way you live now? Why?
8. What does friendship mean to you?
9. What role do love and affection play in your life?
10. Take turns naming something you consider a positive quality in your partner, five each.
11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most people’s?
12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

1. Make three true statements that begin with “we”, for example: “We are both in this room feeling…”
2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
3. If you were going to become close friends with your partner, what would they need to know about you?
4. Tell your partner what you like about them, and be more honest than you would be with someone you just met.
5. Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
6. When did you last cry in front of someone? And on your own?
7. Tell your partner something you already like about them.
8. What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
9. If you were to die this evening without being able to talk to anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
10. Your home catches fire. After your loved ones and pets are safe, you have time to save one object. What is it, and why?
11. Of everyone in your family, whose death would you find hardest? Why?
12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner how they would handle it. Then ask them to tell you how you seem to feel about it.

Wording adapted by Notre Livre from Aron et al. (1997). The order matters more than the exact phrasing: keep the three sets in sequence, and let each person answer every question.

• Set aside about an hour, phones in another room. The original sessions lasted around 45 minutes.
• Take turns on every question. If one person answers everything first, the exchange stops being mutual, which is the whole point.
• Skip any question that does not fit your situation, especially the ones about family and death if there has been a recent loss. Closeness grows from safety, not from pressure.
• For long-term couples, the questions about memories (17, 18) and about each other (22, 28, 31) are usually where the surprises are. People change; the version of your partner you have in your head may be ten years old.
• Do not judge the answers or argue with them in the moment. Listen, ask one follow-up, and move on.

The 36 questions were written for strangers. If you have shared a home for years, a few questions written for your own story can go deeper. These are the kind we use when interviewing couples for a book about them:

• What did you think of me the very first time we met, honestly?
• When did you know this was serious? Where were we?
• What is a small habit of mine you would miss most?
• Which year of our life together would you live again?
• What was the hardest moment we got through, and what got us through it?
• What do you hope we are still doing in twenty years?

If you want more, our guide to anniversary gifts by year has a question for each milestone, from paper to gold.

Couples who try the questions often say the same thing afterwards: they heard stories they had never heard before, and they would like to remember them. Answers spoken over dinner fade quickly.

That is exactly what a love story book is made of. One of you answers questions like these in a guided interview, in writing or by voice note, and the book is written only from what you share: your first meeting, the turning points, the private jokes, in your own words. Nothing is invented, and you check every page before it is printed. It is a way to keep the answers, rather than a replacement for the conversation.