How to win your wife back after you have hurt her

Before thinking about getting her back, write down what happened from her side. Not "we drifted apart", but the specifics: the affair, the evenings you were never home, the drinking, the way you spoke to her in arguments, the money decisions made without her.

If that list is hard to write, start there. An apology that cannot name what it is for will not be believed, and it should not be.

A team led by Roy Lewicki at Ohio State University asked 755 people to rate apologies built from six different elements (Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 2016). Acknowledging responsibility came first, followed by an offer of repair. Asking for forgiveness came last.

For a marriage, that means "I did this, it was wrong, and this is what I am doing about it" carries more weight than "please give me another chance". The Gottman Institute, which studies couples, describes recovery after an affair as three stages: atone, attune, attach. The last stage only comes after the first two, and only if she wants it.

1. One complete, specific apology, without "but" and without asking her to respond.
2. Honest answers to her questions, as often as she needs to ask them, without sighing or saying "we've been through this".
3. Change she can see: ending the affair for good, getting help with drink or gambling, coming home when you say you will.
4. Help you seek for yourself, not as a bargaining chip. Individual counselling is a good start; Relate offers couples counselling across the UK if she is willing.
5. Patience. Trust comes back over months, often longer, through consistency rather than speeches.
6. Respect for the space she asks for, including time apart or you moving out for a while.

• Constant messages, turning up unannounced, or asking whether she has "decided yet".
• Big public gestures, or recruiting her friends and family to argue your case.
• Spreading the blame: work stress, the other person, or her.
• The same promise you broke last time, repeated with more feeling.
• Involving the children, as messengers or as leverage.
• Using silence as a tactic to make her miss you. She will see it for what it is.

A letter lets her take in what you have to say on her own, when she is ready, without having to react in front of you. Follow the shape of a real apology: why you are writing, a true memory of the two of you, what happened in plain words, what you own, what you are changing, and an open door with no deadline.

When there is a long history to cover, years of marriage, several hurts, things never said, a single page may not be enough. The Notre Livre apology book is made for that: a guided interview, then a short book of 30 to 60 pages written only from what you tell us. Nothing is invented, the text puts no pressure on her and it promises no outcome. Three safety questions come first, to check that writing to her is appropriate at all.

She may decide that the marriage is over. If she does, accepting it with dignity is the kindest thing you can do, for her, for any children and for yourself. The work is not wasted: the apology and the changes shape how you co-parent, how your children remember this period and the person you become.

Respecting her answer is not giving up. It is what shows the apology was about her rather than about getting something back.

If she has asked you not to contact her, has blocked you, or if there is a non-molestation order or any court order in place, do not get in touch in any way, including through friends, family or deliveries. Ignoring it can be a criminal offence and will only confirm her decision. If anyone is at risk, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247, day and night. If you are struggling yourself, Samaritans answer on 116 123.